Famous Mishearings

"Friends, Romans, Countrymen,

lend me your rears."

No Comment

Comparisons are Odious?

Abominable

Comparisons are odious? Isn't that like saying analogies are abominable?

Stronger than Dirt

Dirty Game?

Google Images

Don't trust anyone over-dirty - unless it's honest dirt!

Classical Gas

Roadies: Fuel Up

All things must pass gas.

Everybody thinks it's disgusting, but everybody likes to do it!

Puzzling Ream of Paper Proverb

Reams

(And No Horsing Around)

Wikipedia

Good advice:

Don't change horses in midst ream!

So, if you're counting out 250 sheets of paper, make certain not to get a notion to jump off one horse and hop onto another. It's bad luck or something.

Wiseguy Wisdom

Scary Face

Google Images

All things must pass a kidney stone or two.

Woe betide a thing that won't!

Fool with a Tool?

Long-Handled Tool

A Rake's Progress

Google Images

"A poor workman always blames his tool."

Yeah, I know the original proverb says "tools," but isn't a man who claims to have more than one tool exaggerating just a wee-wee bit?

When Your Lovemaking Activities are Too Loud

Note the Cursive Writing
Google Images

Actions speak louder than words, so SHUT UP!

(This anti-porn message brought to you by Anti-Porn Message Brought to You.)

Self-Evident Wisdom of Those Who Do Wrong

Advice

Potty Training

Do as I do say, not as I do do!

Gee-Whiz . . .

Piss Christ

. . . is what Andres Serrano, in a fit of better humor, might well have called his Piss Christ if he hadn't called it "Piss Christ."

And we'll never forget Winfield's . . .

Old Ads

. . . because we never even heard of them in the first place. But we can clearly see what level this ad is working on.

And don't forget L&M . . .

Google Images

. . . which - if I recall - stand for Low Morals. Like with those two in the ad above - Marlboro Man in his younger, wilder days lighting the fire of a lady in red (as though we wouldn't know what that means)! The two practically state it outright! She says "Low." He says "More." Pidgen English for "Low Morals"!

No one can truly say that . . .

Antarctica
A Clean Place Despite  Being Located
at the
Bottom of the World

. . . no ant can be found in Antarctica. You doubt? Look carefully:

Ant + Arctica = Antarctica

You believe me now? I thought so.

Good Show Sir: Only the worst Sci-fi/Fantasy book covers

Worst Ever?

My friend Terrance Lindall reveals:

Just re-acquired my cover art for the very first cyberpunk novel by John Ford 1980! Voted one of the worst sci-fi covers ever!

A website dedicated to the 'worst' sci-fi book cover art produced in this part of the art galaxy is linked to by Lindall himself to provide an exemplar for the pride he takes in this work of art:

Yes, it is the worst SF fantasy cover ever done! Simon and Schuster stopped commissioning me after that. I was getting tired of doing work for the publishers and was moving on to building a museum in upstate New York (the Greenwood Museum – look on Wikipedia)

Actually I love everybody's comments. I now have to my credit some of the best and worst ever done in the 20th century! Sometimes art is so bad it's good, and if it's incredibly bad, it's great . . . I can live with that!

The image above was posted by a certain "Scott B," who attempted to put into words what Lindall had painted:

Scot B's Art Direction: OK, I see a redheaded woman wearing overalls, but still half-naked, being gnawed on by ghost wolves while a dragon explodes from her crotch. The dragon's chasing a guy with a flaming orange on his jumpsuit. And a purple polka-dotted gnome fortune-teller! It's a masterpiece I tell you! What's that, you say the name of the book is what? Well, just throw a spiderweb around everything, that'll work. Published 1980

I also posted a comment, but I'm leaving that in its context . . .

Aye, that's the rub . . .

K H Logo

Kim Ji-hyun, writing for the Korea Herald, notes that the "Korean church in Japan [is] ripe with strife" (November 11, 2015), and she identifies a possible problem with one previous leader:

He was eventually ousted for charges of sexual harassment . . . . Perhaps he rubbed the elders the wrong way.

Never let anyone say this blog avoids sensitive issues . . .

Satan Seen Somewhere Suspicious, Says Someone

Old Scratch

Chesley Plumbing Supply

Houston

Concerning the Satan image above, someone at Glasstire on Instagram announces: "Seen at Chesley Plumbing Supply in Houston." A commentator named Brittanie Shey says she's "Pretty sure Poison Girl has this velvet too." Eh, what's that? A velvet artwork that doesn't feature Elvis Presley? Blasphemy! Although . . . Elvis himself was last sighted in a bathroom, wasn't he. And given Presley's years of hard living, this image might possibly be a Dorian Grey sort of mirror into Presley's oppressed soul.

Anyway, if it is Old Scratch, he apparently isn't bottomless, unlike that 'beer' he offered to the naif in my novella . . .

Korean 'Pood' Humor!

My wife and I went to a nearby Mega Box cinema to see The Theory of Everything, and I thought I'd seen everything till I saw this (and clicking once, even twice, will magnify the images):

The big brown words ddong bbang (똥빵) mean "poop bread," and the character appears to be wearing a poop cap and holding a pile of poop bread! Let's take a clearer look:

Yes, definitely "poop," as one sees confirmed by the four poop patties atop the roof. Here's a different perspective:

The character is squatting and trying to poo, apparently producing in pooed form the very 'pood' (i.e., "pooed food") sold at this concession stand!

My wife and I didn't sample any - we prefer our food in its pre-digestion stage.

Cashew Apple?

Cashew Apple with Cashew

77 Facts that Sound Like Lies

An old Ozark friend sent me this photo, and what interested me particularly was the use of the term "apple" for a fruit that isn't a true 'apple' by modern standards, thereby suggesting that the name might be a holdover from a broader use of the word "apple" that otherwise lasted only as late as the 17th or 18th century.

Or perhaps this above-depicted fruit is called "apple" because it looks like one and has a sweet flavor, though also a bit astringent.

Anyway, I first became aware of the broad meaning of "apple" when I was investigating the apple in John Milton's epic poem Paradise Lost.

Perhaps this cashew apple was the 'actual' fruit that Eve plucked from the Tree of Knowledge. After all, her harvest was a 'nutty' idea, the sweet fruit had an astringent aftertaste, and when Eve sneezed (cashew!), the whole world caught cold.

For more on the error-grow-nonsense, see here . . . not here!

Bosch and Tush: Music of the Spheres?

The Garden of Earthly Delights

Hieronymus Bosch

Wikipedia

Many of us are familiar with Hieronymus Bosch and his well-known painting The Garden of Earthly Delights, but not many have focused on the musical butt (no, not Joseph Pujol's butt) in the third, hellish panel of this triptych:

Well, here it is, for your delectation! Lest anyone think these markings are merely a random disarrangement of notes, consider the achievement of a certain "Amelia[, of Chaoskampf,] . . . a hard-of-hearing music and information systems double major at Oklahoma Christian University," who "decided to transcribe it into modern notation, assuming the second line of the staff is C, as is common for chants of this era," and arrived at "LITERALLY the 600-years-old butt song from hell"! I gather Amelia is blogging from the twenty-second century since the painting dates to about 1500, but she's perhaps the first to render this piece of ass music in modern notation and offer a performance, which you can listen to on her blog.

Apparently, she's still working on the details -- correcting some notes, working to improve the sound quality, that sort of thing -- but her first rendition has already gone viral! (Here's a follow-up!)

While she's correcting things, she might want to note that adjectives are ordinarily not plural.

Multiplication of the what?

Nicolás Maduro
President of Venezuela
or
Resident of Venezuela?
Epigone . . . gone?
Google Images

Based on an NYT report by William Neuman, "To Venezuelans, Heir of Chávez Is a Poor Copy" (October 1, 2013), I gather that things -- so to speak -- aren't working out so well for Venezuela's President Nicolás Maduro, chosen successor to Hugo Chavez, despite having been handpicked by the great man himself, for not only are the economy and infrastructure falling apart, so are the sentences uttered by Mr. Maduro:

In one of his most infamous verbal flubs, in August, Mr. Maduro sought to make a reference to the biblical story of Jesus' multiplying the loaves and fishes -- only to have it come out of his mouth as "the multiplication of the penises." Mr. Maduro apparently conflated "peces" (fish) and "panes" (loaves) to produce "penes" (penises). He quickly apologized and corrected himself, but the damage was done.

Good Lord! Why, that's even more embarrassing than the visiting evangelist in an Ozark church who was preaching on St. Peter and, in a moment of enthusiasm, called out, "How many Peters do we have in this congregation?" The poor fellow's query was met by tense silence, for the word "peter" was a colloquial euphemism for the word accidentally uttered by Mr. Maduro.

But to give Mr. Maduro his due, multiplication's the name of the game . . .