Thawed-Out Neanderthal

Unfrozen Caveman

Google Images

A day or so ago, a physicist friend of mine from the Ozarks who works for Beyond Photonics sent an email to me and a lady-friend diplomat, whom I'll refer to as "Dee," also from the Ozarks, saying this:

Hi Bruce and Dee,

I'm sorry, but when I happened across this headline in the local Boulder paper this morning, I was constitutionally unable to keep from making the following connection:

Pope Benedict XVI resigns Thursday, now 'simple pilgrim' . . .

One of my personal all-time favorite Phil Hartman bits [was his 'simple' Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer] (along with his genius take on Ronald Reagan in the Oval Office with the Girl Scouts, etc. . . .)

See you -- Charley P.

I didn't know my name was "Bruce" . . . or am I "Dee"? Whatever. I replied:

Dammit, Pete, are you inferring that I look like a Neanderthal?!

What's that? Don't I mean "implying"? Huh? Just what are you trying to infer? That I can't spell? Well, I may be a simple hillbilly, but I did learn how to spell, and I know that "inferring" is not spelled "i-m-p-l-y-i-n-g."

So, take that and stick it somewhere beyond photonics!

Oddly enough, my physicist friend took inexplicable offense:

HO!

Now Jeff, I did not come within 161 km of implying that you look like the Pope, and you know it!!

Boy oh boy, touchy frickin' expat, I tell you what. Jeez! And also, that Pope dude is really quite a handsome old fellow just for good measure, I think. So there.

But seriously, I take any opportunity I can get to invoke the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. (Well, not that it comes up very often, but come on, that was too good to pass up . . .) That Phil Hartman, he was da bomb. I hope he's keeping everybody in stitches, whereever he is.

I like your take on BP's name. I have to call people up frequently to buy things, get quotes, etc., and half the people when I tell them our name, think the company is "Beyond Phonics" -- ha. But I'm getting used to it. Have a great weekend, or whatever weird foreign thing you guys have over there -- Pete

At least, he called me "Jeff" . . . even if he does think the pope is handsome and that I look nothing like the pope (ex-pope). Wonder what that 161 km is about . . . . Anyway, Dee then offered her input:

Lawyers, Popes, and cavemen. Same playbook. Find someone slower and take whatever they've got.

Not very diplomatic of her, so I replied, more bluntly than usual:

I can't speak for lawyers or popes, but my fellow cavemen were the ones truly left behind. I'm the only Neanderthal who's survived, and your modern world frightens and terrifies me. For instance, should I invest my money in Apple . . . or in Samsung? Both companies have been criticized for their business practices, so investing in one or the other is a scaaaary thing. Now, I'm just a simple Neanderthal, but an honest Neanderthal, like me, wants to make the ethical choice. For that, however, I need inside information. Nothing complex, just advance knowledge of a new, breakthrough technology that will send the company's stock sky-high. If I only knew that, I'd know where to put my money, namely, in that particular company, for its business practices are bringing on a better future by bringing in the money. And that fits perfectly with my personal ethics. Buy low, sell high is my moral motto. And with the fortune I'd make, I could secure the future of my family. No one can deny the ethics of that. Plus, I'd be a model for any future unfrozen Neanderthals, an inspiration that they, too, can make it in this frightening, terrifying modern world. Again, ethical. But that's me, I just ooze ethics all over.

There. Honest folks can now see where I stand! Less than honest folks will suffer doubts . . .

Another moment of mindless levity...

Homo sapiens neanderthalis

Smarter than your average bore?

(Image from Wikipedia)

In my history lecture yesterday, we covered some material on the late 19th-century racial theories that emerged from applications of Darwinism to human biology.

Scientists of the day were interested in measuring brain size and finding correlations between size and intelligence, then checking further correlations between these two and gender or race.

The scientists tended to find correlations that put Europeans at the apex in terms of brain size and men above women.

This sounded good to the European scientists ... until they turned to the brains of Eskimos, Lapps, Mongolians, and Tartars and found that their brains were generally larger than those of Europeans. But everybody knew that Europeans were smarter, so that was considered an anomaly, and therefore largely ignored at the time ... though my Korean students' ears perked up at the information.

I then mentioned that studies have shown that Neanderthals also, generally, had brains larger than those of modern Europeans.

So (my class and I wondered), with those bigger brains of theirs, why did Homo sapiens neanderthalis lose out in the struggle for survival against Homo sapiens sapiens?

"Obviously," I told my students, "with those big brains, Neanderthals were intellectuals, and we all know how unrealistic intellectuals can be. They probably sat around the campfires discussing philosophy and art when they should have been out hunting that big game that they needed for their massive muscular physiques!"

That's my theory, anyway. Some scientists differ. John M. Berardi notes that:

1. Big muscles and big brains are expensive.

2. When food is scarce, we need to think good, not look good.

3. When you're weak, you don't rely on muscular strength.

4. Big brains don't always mean high intelligence.

But I didn't go into that material (and who's this Berardi fellow, anyway, using "good" as an adverb?). I saw no need to undercut my Neanderthals-as-intellectuals theory, especially since my students liked it. Well, they laughed ... which is a quantifiable measure of something.

As for my views on average racial differences in intelligence ... I remain agnostic and will wait until all the evidence is in. I approach people as individuals anyway and hope that my Korean students do the same ... especially since East Asians generally score about 5 points higher on IQ tests than do people of European descent.

Damn! They're smarter! But for any of my students reading this, just remember what happened to the Neanderthals...