"an auto-bile fatal accident that paralyzed you . . ."

International Standard Bank

"Our Staff is Just Panting to Serve You!"

(Image from Kafunta)

I am once again the beneficiary of someone's timely decease, as announced in the subject heading of an email from the International Standard Bank that was unaccountably directed to my spam folder:

SPAM - DID YOU INSTRUCTED MR. PETER WOO TO CLAIM YOUR INHERITANCE FUND? PLEASE TREAT THIS MAIL VERY URGENT.

I can't imagine why an important email like this one ended up in the spam folder. I'll have to complain to Yahoo. I could have missed out on my inheritance of US$4,250.000.00!

We apologize for the delay of your payment and all the inconveniences and hiccups that we might have caused you.

I did have hiccups during dinner yesterday evening. I'd thought it due to the spicy pepper that I had bitten into, but I now see that my hiccups were from a different irritant. Nice of the International Standard Bank to clear that up. Their staff is apparently eager to please me . . . though I might first have to suffer a few more hiccups:

However, we were having some minor problems with our payment system, which is inexplicable, and have held us stranded and indolent, not having the prerequisite to devote our 100% endowment in accrediting foreign payments.

That "inexplicable" part sounds like a mystery. Too bad it can never be explained. Good thing it was minor -- I wouldn't want that eager staff to be indolent for a long time, not when they intend to give me so much money:

We now wish to notify you that your over due inheritance/contract funds has finally been gazette to be released to you without any more hitches as previously encountered. we apologize once again as the square peg is now in square holes and can be accelerated so that your payment can be processed and released to you as soon as you respond to this letter. Also note that from the record in our file, your approved outstanding payment is valued (US$4,250.000.00 M) Four Million Two Hundred and Fifty Thousand United States Dollars.

I'd never realized that "gazette" is the past participle of "gazette" . . . but why would they publish news of my inheritance in a newspaper or journal? I don't want everyone to know! At any rate, I'm pleased to hear that the square peg has been inserted into several square holes -- successively, I presume -- and is ready for its acceleration. This peg-and-hole contraption sounds like a rather crude mechanical device to be in use by such a modern financial institution as the International Standard Bank, but least it means that my payment can now be processed and released to me. Unfortunately, things aren't quite so simple, as I am also deceased:

Meanwhile, during the rectification of our payment system we discovered that one Mr. Peter Woo has forwarded his banking information to our bank stating that you instructed him to claim this fund on your behalf that, you are involved in an auto-bile fatal accident that paralyzed you. Please find below his banking information for your-re-confirmation . . .

I'd missed the news that I was "involved in an auto-bile fatal accident that paralyzed" me. I've never heard of this sort of "accident" . . . but it must be some kind of auto-immune, fatal poisoning occasioned by a malfunction of my bile system. Whatever sort of condition this is that I'm reported to be suffering from can only be very serious indeed if it has not merely killed me but has also left me paralyzed! Clearly, I'm unable to claim my inheritance in my condition, so I'm fortunate to have the faithful assistance of a good friend like Mr. Peter Woo, whoever he is. I can't seem to recall, but a faulty memory might be one symptom of death. Unfortunately, my decease might cause some delay, for I can't easily fulfill the following conditions:

You are required to confirm if in deed you authorized Mr. Peter Woo to claim your funds on your behalf to avoid making payment into any wrong accounts because your name was found in the original list of beneficiary whose fund is over due for payment. We want to state categorically that we shall not be liable for any miss-direction of transfer due to your failure to give us proper directive/reconfirmation of your details; else we shall commence transfer modality with Mr. Peter Woo on your behalf.

That paragraph's a bit obscure . . . but the International Standard Bank seems to be telling me that if I don't inform the staff there that I've authorized Mr. Peter Woo to claim the fund on my behalf, then they will release my fund to Mr. Peter Woo. In that case, I need not act at all. Good thing, too, since I'm currently too profoundly mortified by my incapacitating condition to do anything.

I'm hoping that my obscure friend, Mr. Peter Woo, will be able to use my inheritance to find the medical treatment to cure me of my accidentally fatal paralysis so that I can get on with my life offline rather than remaining confined like a brain in a vat to the virtual reality of this online existence.

Your prayers and well-wishes would be greatly appreciated . . .