North Korea's Scientific Findings on the Cheonan Tragedy
We're Number 1!
North Korea purportedly sent a triumphalist message written in the Korean alphabet (Hangeul) several weeks ago -- though delivery took a bit of time, as we finally see from the above image -- but the North denies having sent any message at all and has even offered to send an expert technical team to investigate the findings:
North Korea on Thursday denied that it was behind the attack on a South Korean warship that sank near their border in March, saying it would dispatch an "inspection group" to verify South Korea's conclusion that Pyongyang is to blame.Or so reports Korea Herald's news writer Kim So-hyun, relaying the denial and concomitant offer in "N.K. denies attack, threatens 'all-out war'" (May 20, 2010) -- and we should certainly trust a state willing to go to war over the findings of an arguably biased international committee.
I, however, am privy to even more up-to-date news, for I know already what the North's findings will be after it conducts its thorough-going analysis of all the data:
North Korean Investigation Team:I posted this advance report over at The Marmot's Hole as soon as I learned precisely what the North's statement of its findings would be. Readers' approval of my post ranks it at an all-time high for any comment posted there by me, so I have to infer from this that nearly everyone accepts North Korea's conclusions.
"We confirm the presence of Hangeul on one of the torpedo fragments and affirm that this conclusively demonstrates that the torpedo orginated in the puppet state to the south and that the Cheonan explosion was therefore ordered by the imperialist beasts who pull the puppet strings that move the traitorous fingers that squeeze the terrible triggers that fire the vicious guns that blast the peaceful land that raise the clouds of dust that block the rays of sun . . . in our scientific opinion, of course."
At least, I hope so, since their position sounds so plausible . . .
Labels: Humor, North Korea, South Korea
posted by Horace Jeffery Hodges @ 5:24 AM
12 comments
12 Comments:
"Readers' approval of my post ranks it at an all-time high for any comment posted there by me, so I have to infer from this that nearly everyone accepts North Korea's conclusions."
--Jeffery Hodges
On the Nile, of course, rats don't talk.
But I’m a nihilist — I say how people rate says nil!
:p
--lollabrats
Rats may not talk, but rates do, and the numbers show that the Norks' conclusions rule, whatever null nihilists might nay!
Jeffery Hodges
* * *
Pardon my Nile pun. From the hoarsest nay, I could tell the Nile is not something you should have to suffer. Please convey to your family, my deep regrets.
:p
--lollabrats
It's only West Nile Fever, nothing serious . . . not so serious as this fever.
Jeffery Hodges
* * *
"1 beon" is such a natural device for a noir.
There is a cruel paranoid man who keeps to himself in a dark, dilapidated house at the end of a street. He keeps his doors locked and his curtains drawn. His closet safeguards a cache of murderous instruments. And from his basement, few have returned. He no more wants to be noticed by strangers than he does by the sun. All in the world might escape his violence if they would just never meet.
But he has a brother.
While the man in the house is short, balding, and peers through thick lenses, his brother stands tall and walks among men. He is handsome and confident and is about to embark on a career of great expectations. Few could have guessed it would all end so suddenly. So bloodily. Such was the jealousy fed to frenzy.
On the night of the murder, as if in a solemn ritual, the man in the house inscribed onto the chosen bullet a message: "1 beon." In his native tongue, it meant, "I'm number one."
Within days, he knew something had gone wrong. He knew that it was a matter of time before the police came back with a search warrant.
Many months later, he found himself in a small, dusty room surrounded by fat men wearing suits. That's when he saw it. "1 beon!"
That is not his! That has nothing to do with him! This is what he wanted to scream. For the first time since his childhood, he knew fear. Real fear. And how feeble it made him feel. Just like in his youth. All that life he had lived knowing power--power over men, power to kill! How like an illusion it all seemed now. How like the taste of death.
But he kept silent. And cool. And in his own peculiar English, delivered in his own peculiar way, he turned to his tormentors and began: "I confirm the presence of Hangeul..."
--lollabrats
By the way, I keep forgetting to mention it...
Happy B-day!
ok, it's maybe a bit late, but...still...
:)
--lollabrats
Professor, are you using this blog as your journal?
If so, then I would like it to be remembered that I was the 24th rater and 22nd thumbs up on your all time high score!
>:D
--lollabrats
Lollabrats, thanks for the noirish story, which reveals real literary skill. I'm wondering what happened next . . .
Thanks also for the birthday greetings. Did I actually mention that 53rd birthday? I'm getting even more forgetful as I grow old . . .
Yeah, I suppose that this is my journal -- the daily events of a life lived mostly in my head.
Thanks for the support. Last time that I checked, the rating implied a couple of negative clicks. I wonder why -- lack of irony, dislike of me, mere contrariness . . . what?
Jeffery Hodges
* * *
Do you have any preparedness plans in case something with the North does actually happen?
It seems that after four years here, the apartment owner of the small building I live in has decided that I can be counted on in the event that something does happen to help protect his family. He even went and spent several hundred thousand won at Costco on supplies for me the other night, so I should have enough food and water to last a minimum of two months while he has enough to last for much, much longer. I thought it strange at the time that quite a few older South Koreans were also stocking up on water and nonperishable foods, yet most people under forty didn’t seem concerned at all. With the North’s fondness for anniversaries, the instability of the regime, and international pressure maybe finally forcing China to get in line with the rest of the world in regards to North Korea, this upcoming month might pressure the North to go out with a bang (personally, I’m hoping for a whimper).
No, I'm not making any preparations because I'm reasonably sure that the North Koreans won't commit suicide. The South won't undertake any military action either, so this won't come to war . . . probably.
The delicate thing is to find ways of punishing the Kim regime without pushing it into a corner where it might do something rash. I'm following Joshua Stanton's views at One Free Korea, so you might want to check out his views.
Jeffery Hodges
* * *
I've seen his views from time to time (One Free Korea), but he doesn't live with the menace directly above him as those here in the South do. Plus, this is the first time that I've actually seen my neighbors (and boss) this worried, while the nuclear bomb tests didn't even seem to phase them. My landlord's son (a member of the ROK army) is pressing his dad to prepare just in case, so there seems to be a bit more to this latest saber rattling.
I'm just glad that I don't live in Seoul no matter what happens (too close to the north and overcrowded to boot), and, anyway, I always prepare for natural disasters back home; however, this one would be far from natural.
You're right that Joshua doesn't live with the menace, but he's very aware of it and is cautioning against military responses.
The situation has potential dangers, but I believe that the North doesn't want war since the elite would lose everything.
Life, however, is not always rational, and if things come to war, then I put my faith in a Poisson Distribution of artillery strikes, for the risk of being struck is small (if I correctly understand Gravity's Rainbow), and I would hope for a quick end to hostilities with the fall of the North's regime.
I'm not worried about a nuclear strike because I don't think that the North has warheads that will fit onto any missiles.
Jeffery Hodges
* * *
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