I received a message the other day that inexplicably ended up in that memory hole for extramental, excremental messages, the spam folder, apparently due to its subject heading: "Miracle John."
I've since fished it out of the spam john and will respond to it here on Gypsy Scholar. I assume it's a sales pitch for a really special toilet. The opening is informal, not addressing me by name, which sometimes works, particularly since my name at least that way can't be misspelled:
Hello;I don't know why this opening is stopped with a semicolon. The colon usually does a better job passing along the crap:
give me your time today.How was your day?,Mine is a little bit hot over here How about your family not forgetting friends and work all together?hope all are okay.The writing is a bit constipated, stuck together. Quite a lot to unload, but doing so in 'spits and farts' -- as a dyslexic, unorthographic friend once wrote. Anyway, the writer finally gets out what needs to be said:
please bear with me.I do. You have my full attention.
I Really like to have a good relation-hip with you,That's what it's all about with toilets, a "good relation-hip," so we're cheek to cheek on this one.
and i have a special reason why i decided to contact you.Yes, it's a delicate subject, and I appreciate your circumspection.
My name is Miss miracle John rang.What a surprise! A sentient toilet! That sort of thing just sells itself! "Miss Miracle John Rang" -- lovely name for a toilet!
I am 24 years old girl.,Ah . . . well, you've contacted the wrong gender. I'm a man, but you're a ladies' toilet.
waiting to read from you .I do, in fact, read in the toilet -- who but the illiterate does not? -- but as noted, you've contacted the wrong customer.
thanksSame to you. Sorry I couldn't part with any of my assets for you or be of any other assistance. But keep yourself open to other potential customers, and may none of them dump on you more than you can bear.
But relax for now, and take a load off fanny . . .
Labels: Toilet Humor