Cuz'n Bill's Hillbilly Home Improvements
Hillbilly Yard Swing
I got an email from Cousin Bill recently, who must have gotten a new sofa for indoors and decided to make use of the old one in an especially uplifting way, for he tells us, "I knew someone in the family would recognize my old couch!" Bill's had a really good idea, in my opinion, for the typical Ozark hillbilly patriarch would just leave such a thing sitting out in the front yard, where everybody would see it!
The parking meter is a nice touch. I reckon the couch is now a popular place to park one's backside and therefore requires both strict regulation and monetary exchange. I suppose there's always some expensive and restrictive downside to sitting onself up in such a swing, but you can't stop progress in the field of domestic pendular oscillation.
Enough for today's post -- I'm still grading final exams.
Labels: Family, Humor, Ozark Mountains
posted by Horace Jeffery Hodges @ 4:33 AM
14 comments
14 Comments:
Dad-gummit cuz-that ain’t no parking meter. That’s my yard light (you know, for reading the Sears catalogue outside at night). Folks over at Wally Mart called ‘em Tiki Torches. And a good buy-don’t attract the skeeters!
Cuz Bill
But don't those Kon-Tiki torches pollute the environment? Burning an entire raft just to read a Sears catalogue and keep away the mosquitoes?
I'm pleased to discover, however, that you're still reading my blog. I hear from you and Uncle Cran so seldom these days.
Jeffery Hodges
* * *
Who needs a "sofee" fur a swing when a car t'ar on a rope works just fine?
One old farmer told his neighbor he wuz lookin' in the Sears Roebuck and found the prettiest women he ever did see with a pretty red dress on, fur only $69.95, so he jest sent in the money. He is expectin' her any day now, fur she done sent her clothes.
Another farmer said he writ Sears Roebuck and tole them he wanted some of that there toilet paper on a roll,that someone sed they got.
He said they wrote back and said to look in their catalog and give the page number and order number.
He said he just writ back and sed iffen he had one of them there catalogs, he wouldn't need none of that there toilet paper.
Cran
Ain't you now sorrie you dun woke the folks up?
Cuz Bill
Uncle Cran, the good Lord intended for tires to be sliced in half laterally and used as hog feeders. Leastways, that's what I recall with truck tires. Are car tires actually large enough for swings, anyway?
That woman offer sounds like a bait-and-switch deal. I really doubt that she'll ever show up. That farmer will learn a lesson when some old hag arrives. And he won't have any proof that she's the wrong one because he'll already have used that page. . . so even if he managed to recover it, the appearance would probably match now ("Why, you look like . . . !").
As for the other farmer, didn't he have any corn cobs on hand?
Jeffery Hodges
* * *
Sorry? Me? Nah, this place needed some livening up.
Jeffery Hodges
* * *
A car tar is for single action.
A truk tar might work fer two.
Yes, corn cobs will work. In fact you need to start with a small one, as they grow with use.
But you need a catalog if you want to smoke "rabbit terbacker" while tending to business in the "necessary" building.
The boy who used to help me build houses used to fight a lot.
He told me he was just like John Wayne toilet paper....rough!....tough!....and would take crap off anybody.
I think the reason I couldn't get my comments on line on line previously was because they were too large?
Cran
Oops!
Should have been....wouldn't take crap off anybody.
Cran
Uncle Cran, about the good old boy:
"He told me he was just like John Wayne toilet paper....rough!....tough!....and would take crap off anybody."
Shouldn't that last clause be "and wouldn't take crap off nobody"?
Of course, they tell me that a double-negative amounts to a positive.
Jeffery Hodges
* * *
Aw, you beat me to it . . . but I still suggest "nobody."
Jeffery Hodges
* * *
I apologize for the crude humor.
As I understand Greek grammar, a double negative increases the negativity?
So the phrase, "...and won't take no c____ off nobody," would emphasize his point beyond doubt.
And the song, "...I ain't gonna do nothin for nobody, no time..., would triple the negativity, I suppose.
But it's time to stop this foolishness.
My ability to blog once again is doing strange things to me.
Cran
Well, it's good to have you back. I hope that your computer continues to behave.
And let's do also continue using Greek rules of grammar to analyze English.
Jeffery Hodges
* * *
We hillbillys have always used the double negative as increasing the negativity.
And we ain't apt to change for nobody.
Cran
I reckon that we were all innately literate in Greek, Uncle Cran.
Jeffery Hodges
* * *
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