"Fan It and Cool It"

Let me give you a tip, cow: "Come Home."

(Image from Wikipedia)

Now, some time off to cool down with "Fan It and Cool It." To get a sense for the tune, go listen to bits from versions performed by Country Rockers, The New Duncan Imperials, and Woody Herman.

I'm typing this from memory, which may be faulty, but as the above sound-bites demonstrate, lyrics differ anyway, so here goes:

If this song's too hot,
Cool it if you can.
Better go out
And get yourself a fancy fan
And fan it, yeah, fan it.
You gotta fan it and cool it
Honey till the cows come home.

I got myself a new gal,
And her name is Sue.
She said you make me love you,
Honey, tell you what you do,
You gotta fan it, fan it,
You gotta fan it and cool it,
Honey till the cows come home.

My mama's in the kitchen,
I heard that back door slam.
Come outta the kitchen honey,
Quit scorchin' that ham,
And let's fan it, fan it,
You gotta fan it and cool it,
Honey till the cows come home.

I got six months in jail,
My back turned to the wall.
Fannin' that thang,
was the cause of it all.
Oh fan it, fan it,
You gotta fan it and cool it,
Honey till the cows come home.

I think that the version haunting my memory comes from a performance by "Hank the Cowhand," born David E. Stanford in Mexia, Texas, a place that I know well because I used to do volunteer work there at the Mexia State Home for the Mentally Retarded and Emotionally Disturbed -- as the place was called back in the days before political correctness.

For those with insatiable curiosities, I was doing the volunteer work with a Baylor University group known as "SCMR" -- as I discovered when the leader gave me a SCMR badge to wear.

"What's this S-C-M-R?" I asked.

"It's 'Skuh-Mer,'" she pronounced.

"Oh," I said, then asked, "What's it mean?"

In a bright, bubbly voice, she exclaimed:

"It stands for 'Sharing Christ with the Mentally Retarded'! Don't you want to wear one? That way, if people ask, 'What's SCMR,' you can tell them and also have a chance to share Christ."

I declined the honor. I couldn't -- even in those pre-PC days -- imagine myself explaining that acronym!

Now, if we had been "Sharing Christ with the Mentally and Emotionally Disturbed," I might have accepted a badge, if only for the resulting acronym "SCMED," which I would have pronounced "Scummed."

"We're 'Scummed,'" I'd have explained, "because God has skimmed us like scum from the corrupt mass of humanity. We do volunteer work with idiots and the insane. Would you like to be 'Scummed,' too?"

I don't know why I've never been very good at personal evangelism...