Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Giant Rodent Invasion!

Giant Rodents

A good friend of mine from my Baylor days has experienced a rodent invasion, and from the alarm that she expresses over this unprovoked attack from the animal kingdom (in a report to her children that she cc'd to me), I am inferring that the rodents were gigantic monstrosities:
Sometime around 7 pm last night when I went into the kitchen to make a spot of tea, a roundish dark, small blob darted on the floor along the baseboard from the area where the cutting board is to under the trash compactor.
I grant that her first description says "small," but appearances can be deceiving. Memory is a better, far more accurate guide:
It all happened so quickly, I doubted my own senses.
She was wise to doubt, and her wisdom grew along with the recollected rodent:
In my puzzled state, I called your father at work and told him I thought I saw a mouse, a rather LARGE mouse, in our kitchen! His response was unexpected and calm, he confessed that he thought he had been seeing this little family for nearly two weeks! TWO WEEKS!! AND HE HAD NOT BOTHERED TO AT LEAST LET ME KNOW!?! After that revelation, I thought it best to turn on every light possible in the house . . .
Let us not misinterpret the adjective "little" in "little family," for it refers to the number of family members, not to their size, which is reported as LARGE! And with TWO WEEKS of growth, these creatures were undoubtedly VERY LARGE! This obviously called for drastic measures:
Later when your father came home, he produced a peanut butter scented, sticky tray that he had purchased recently in an attempt to catch the little rascals. Which I might add, he pulled out of the pantry! He added an extra bit of peanut butter to the tray, and placed the tray on the floor in the vacinity of where I had last seen the travelers.
Listen carefully. These were no mere mice, nor were the rascals 'little' -- despite my friend's hopeful words of despair -- for an entire tray was required for their capture! Hear now what must have happened during the night:
When I awoke this morning, I . . . made my way to the kitchen. Of course, I turned on the light, and immediately saw that the black tray had moved some distance from where I saw Mark place it last night, and it was halfway under the trash compactor.
That huge tray had MOVED! And impacted the trash compactor! Imagine the size of those rodents! But there's more:
Not wanting to try to move the tray out and discover a nasty surprise ready to lurch at me, I quickly left the kitchen and immediately woke your father relaying what I had just witnessed.
A wise step. Take no chances with giant rodents undaunted by black trays and trash compactors!
He sleepily told me about . . . [the] ones that were caught last night, and that he was guessing the others got away.
OTHERS?! My friend had the same reaction:
Trying to process "THE OTHERS" . . . [w]ith a bit of trepidation I will begin an inspection of our pantry . . .
That sounds dangerous, so I hope she takes all precautions! The last words I heard from her as she set forth were:
Pray for me . . .
Indeed! She is in dire need not merely of prayer, but of the whole armor of God to face these big rascals, which -- based on her description -- I take to be fully as large as capybaras, Amazonian rodents that can weigh up to 200 pounds! Here then is my prayer:
Let her gird her waist with truth (and justice and the American way of war), put on the breastplate of righteousness (for her cause is just), have her feet shod with the gospel of peace (well, maybe not peace, unless it's peaceful presence of mind), take up the shield of faith to stop all the fiery darts of the wicked ones (these are some scary rodents!), put on the helmet of salvation (she'll need that to stay safe!), and wield the sword of the Spirit to move her toward certain victory (yes, victory over these monstrous abominations!).
I pray that this prayer -- we're on a meta level now! -- helps my friend toward her ultimate aim of vanquishing these dreadful critters. Commentators are welcome to add their own prayers . . .

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At 5:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't know 'zactly where your friend is Jeff, but if she's anywhere close to where I was last week she might Google, "Hurricane Isaac's effects on nutria migrations" [without the quotes].

If the mouses're big - might opt for bigger traps. Much bigger traps.


At 6:29 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

She's near the Washington area, so we can't rule out the possibility that these rodents are politicians.

Jeffery Hodges

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At 2:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can't rule it out hell - the one's I saw were all for bi-partisanship!

Gnaw-O Libertarians to the nth degree!

(Still. Maybe they won't get accepted to the Congressional Internship program.)

Probably'll be lobbying though I reckon. Equal opportunity 'n all, I figure a few big rats can find a place on K Street.


At 2:18 PM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

Fortunately, my friend is battling the huge critters. I put my money on her, not the rodents.

Jeffery Hodges

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At 2:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have money?!!!

Din'cha tell me you wuz a Academic?!!!


(Hey En-Uk... Sa-rah... Guess what Uncle JK found out!)

At 2:54 PM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

It ain't much, but I'll wager with it.

Jeffery Hodges

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