'Deadly Networks' out to get me?

Drift Net
Deadly Networks?
or
Mere Drifters

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I thought at first that I was being alerted by an email to the dangers of drift nets, as the words "Deadly Networks" caught my eye, but upon looking more closely and perceiving the subject heading, which read, "YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN PAID FOR," I realized that I'd just received my first death threat (YAWN) in my time as a blogger - in fact, my first death threat (YAWN) ever in my . . . uh, life. It's from someone or other calling himself "Serial Killer," and this is how his message opened:

Attention, I am very sorry for you, [it] is a pity that this is how your life is going to end as soon as you don't comply. As you can see we are the members of the Deadly Networks in the world, which is responsible for the bombing of twin . . . tower's in America on Sept. 11th and the bombing of London transport services on July 7th (AL-QAEDA NETWORKS WORLDWIDE), I don't have any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to KILL you and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that. (Bold italicized underlined emphasis mine - HJH.)

Let me get this straight. Deadly Networks is the official name of the larger network, or association of networks, that includes Al-Qaeda, and this 'Serial Killer,' who's already been paid to kill me (and therefore has to do it) happens to feel sorry enough for me to let me know that he's going to kill me "as soon as . . . [I] don't comply." Eh? How would he know when I've begun not to comply? And not to comply with what? My death? Am I supposed to make an appointment? And he promised to tell me how I'm going to die. Well, how then? He doesn't say. So . . . is he going to fly a passenger plane into me? Or will he leave a bomb on me - as if I were a seat on a subway train? Let's see more on this:

Someone who you called your friend wants you dead by all means, and this person have spent a lot of money in this venture, This person came to us and told me that he wanted you dead and he provided us with your name, picture and other necessary information's we needed about you.

Some 'friend' wants me "dead by all means." I guess that means by planes, trains, and automobiles, at least, along with everything else in this wide, wild, wonderful universe that can kill a man. Hmm . . . Let me address this hitman directly.

Ahem. This job sure sounds complicated for you, but if you would just let me know the name of this friend of mine, that'd simplify things for sure. As you see, I'm complying, not delaying, merely trying to make things easier for you. At the moment, I just need to know what stage you've reached in your obligation to kill me. You seem to relate that below:

So I sent my boys to track you down this including bugging of your phones with satellite tracking devices and they have carried out the necessary investigation we needed for the operation on you, and if you doubt this information [I] am going to give you all the necessary information about you back to you in your next reply so that you can believe me, and my boys are really on you but I told them not to kill you that I will like to contact you and see if your life is important to you . . . . I called my client back and ask him of your email address which I didn't tell him what I wanted to do with it and he gave it to me and I am using it to contact you now. As I am writing you this mail my men are monitoring you and they are telling me everything about you.

Well, you certainly sound as though you know what you're doing. I congratulate you on your professionalism. That clever trick that got you my email address was pure genius. The 'friend' of mine will never suspect the truth. Good thing he didn't happen to ask why you wanted my email, else you'd have had to make up some story, why, like, "I don't know, I just want it," and that might have made him suspicious. (Folks just don't seem to trust each other anymore!) Moreover, I have to admit that my life is important to me. You're quite insightful for a sociopathic hitman. Indeed, I'm willing to pay a huge amount of cash just to hear that I won't be killed. How much do you want?

Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? Since all program has be made and draw to kill you. Get back to me now if you are ready to pay some fees to spare your Life, $8,000 is all you need to spend in this process you will first of all Pay $3,000 and then I will send a tape to you which I recorded in every discussion I had with the person who wanted you dead and as soon as you get the Tape, You will pay the remaining balance of $5,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will carry on with my job straight-up.

Only eight thousand dollars?! What an insult! My life is worth far more than a piddly 8,000! Of course, I want to live, but not for a mere 8,000 dollars! Get serious! I demand a more worthy proposal, or I won't pay a cent!

WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR EVEN TELLING ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL KNOW, REMEMBER, SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL WANT YOU DEAD! . . . . IN CASE I NOTICE SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT YOUR TELLING THE SECURITY ABOUT IT BECAUSE A GOOD LOOK IS OUT YOU AT THE MOMENT. DO NOT COME OUT ONCE IT IS 8 PM UNTIL I MAKE OUT TIME TO SEE YOU AND GIVE YOU THE TAPE OF ALL DISCUSSION WITH THE PERSON WHO WANT YOU DEAD THEN YOU CAN USE IT TO TAKE ANY LEGAL ACTION. GOOD LUCK AS I AWAIT YOUR REPLY

Don't shout at me, buster! And what's this about wishing me good luck? Don't you realize that my good luck is your misfortune? As for noticing anything 'funny,' rest assured that I'm not some sort of comedian! The only thing funny in all this is your ridiculously low estimate of how much my life is worth. I await your next offer, and it had better be serious.

Meanwhile, I'm putting all this on the internet by means of my blog so that you can easily find my response and know that I am deadly serious when I say that I have told no one about your email - and all my readers are witnesses to this fact.

(And yes, dear readers, just in case anyone misread my tone and thinks I'm being serious, let me set the record straight for you: I do indeed know that this death-threat email is a scam.)