Sunday, March 24, 2013

The Vautour-Hodges Theorem: Nobel Prize-Worthy Formula Nearly Formulated!


Over at the Marmot's Hole is a thread discussing the relative friendliness of nations. I wasn't planning to participate in that discussion, but the cogs of my mental processes were jolted into motion through a query by Douglas Vautour:
DV: I would like to know what the scientific unit of measurement for 'friendliness' is.

HJH: The objective scientific unit for measuring "Apparent Friendliness" is "one smile," but the number of smiles in a particular year must be divided by the total quantity of a country's "Nationalism" for an adjusted measure of "Real Friendliness."

DV: Put that into an oversimplified mathematical-looking formula, and we'll get our PhDs for sure. We can call it the Vautour-Hodges Theorem. We'll make tens!

HJH: Sounds good to me! If you'll merely quantify "Nationalism," we'll be in the running for a Nobel prize!

DV: N(personal)=(# of times you can sing the national anthem in a metric hour)*(# of immigrants you've had deported in the previous 12 months+1), reported in units of renditions x people/hour, commonly known as an 'arizona'. True Fun Fact!: You have to have at least 560 ari to become a Minute Man. The more you know, huh?

HJH: Now, we're making progress. I concede your mathematical capacity exceeds my own. I see what you mean in your comment, but I have a question or two. Why the "12 months+1" rather than just "12 months"? That's my substantive query. What operation does the asterisk stand for? Multiplication? That's my procedural query. Yours in Nobelity!

DV: If you've never deported anyone, you'll get a score of 0, no matter how many times you can sing the national anthem in an hour, if you don't have the plus 1. and * is multiplication. Finally, my degree comes in handy.

HJH: Excellent! Now, since you're the far better mathematician, you may have the honor of putting the entire expression into a mathematical formula expressing "Real Friendliness"!

DV: I think I'm going to need government funding to pursue this further. 100,000 should do nicely.

HJH: Good idea, but since this is joint research, we'll need more like 1,000,000 . . . each. Travel expenses and photocopying, that sort of thing . . .
The Vautour-Hodges Theorem expressing "Real Friendliness" as a number is merely two million US currency-units distant from the moment that grant is granted! Nobel Prize, here we come!

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12 Comments:

At 6:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Question - DV's "you"?

If "you've" never deported anyone, "you'll" get a score of 0, no matter how many times "you" can sing the national anthem in an hour, if "you" don't have the plus 1...

How does it affect the formula if "you've" been deported?

JK

 
At 6:49 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

There'll be a slight decrease in the Real Friendliness of the deportee's country.

Jeffery Hodges

* * *

 
At 8:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So then - no splitting into either of a General or a Special sort of thing?

A Truly Unified sort of thing?

Into the realm of "String-Stuff"?

The two of you researchers realize need somebody qualified to handle the flood of grant monies incoming you understand - I'm kinda freed up for the immediate future I'm given you understand. (Plus [+] I'm not a "you") so I see no Conflicts of Interest.

Too, I'd agree not to be salaried to smile, sing national anthems and/or whatnots.

A smallish 'consulting fee' I reckon should handle my valuable time.

JK



 
At 8:47 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

Sounds good. We'll just apply for a bigger grant.

Jeffery Hodges

* * *

 
At 2:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apparently you recognize the invaluable services we consultants bring to bear on subjects.

Smart Formulators of math-stuff formulii on the,er, uhm, "whole" of the Marmot? I've never to my knowledge seen a "Marmot" in the Ozarks ... but now where were we ...

Oh "Consultancy Fees"! Andrew Jacksons in someways delivered to Cran's hidey-hole should [will] do it.

Just don't let Cran start thinking he's smart enough to consult, Gay as I understand it, put him in the down yonder.

Where, if he's smart...

JK

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

A marmot is something like a woodchuck . . . I think.

Jeffery Hodges

* * *

 
At 3:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And a woodchuck chucks...

Smart.

Certain he's not got "Gopher" in'm though?

You know it only requires a single pair of mutant jeans? And here I worry...

It is the same Cran that's been put underneath isn't it?

Oh well, surely he's no power to beg as I understand - so it would follow ... he cannot possibly consult?

JK

 
At 3:56 PM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

Uncle Cran would be one whose friendliness could be subject to measurement.

Jeffery Hodges

* * *

 
At 4:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would love to comment, but at this point, I haven't quite figured out what anyone is saying.

Cran

 
At 5:59 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

I wish I knew, too, but JK is far more advanced than I in these abstract realms of thought . . .

Jeffery Hodges

* * *

 
At 11:18 PM, Blogger Douglas Vautour said...

Disgraceful,

None of you fully understand our work. You've jeopardized our tens. For shame.

DV

 
At 3:48 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

DV, our solace must be future generations' recognition of our work's great value . . .

Jeffery Hodges

* * *

 

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