Vadim Kruglikov on the North Korean 'Audio-Gadget'

Flag of Democratic People's Republic of Korea

Proudly Waving at the Peaceful Ballistic Satellite

(Image Liberated from Bourgeois Wikipedia Site)

The imperialist forces that occupy the lower half of the great Korean peninsula run an open-source military gang for seizing information about the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK) and using it for nefarious purposes. Recently, this hegemonic gang has translated a column by Vadim Kruglikov that appeared in the Russian paper Novaya Gazeta. Originally written to honor of the DPRK's peaceful ballistic satellite, the militarist barbarians have translated it in their vain scheme to pirate the North's gloriously advanced technology:

"Korean Wonder: the Incomprehensible, Malicious Reaction by the United States, Japan, and South Korea to the Launch of a Large North Korean Audio-Gadget"

By Vadim Kruglikov

On 5 April 06:32, Moscow Time, the many centuries of hope of the North Korean people was realized -- a Kwangmyongsong-2 satellite was launched into near-Earth orbit. According to the reports of the Korean Central Telegraph Agency, the flight is going according to plan. The "Song About General Kim Il Sung" and the "Song about General Kim Jong-il" is being played in real-time from the satellite throughout the universe. In addition, the space messenger is carrying North Korean measuring devices -- a ruler, a Slava wristwatch made in 1952, weights for scales, and a medical thermometer. All devices are working normally.

The Kwangmyongsong-2 wonder did not come from nowhere. The history of North Korean cosmonautics has rich and ancient traditions. The great primogenitor of all North Koreans, Dangun (24th century B.C.), felt love for the interstellar spaces and plowed the expanses of the Universe in his dreams. The 10th-century educator Chkhol Su [transliterated] overcame the Earth's gravity by thought and penetrated the depths of space with his fearless vision. He more than once tried to throw a stone up there and closely tracked its trajectory. In the 16th century the Confucian monk refugee Khon Khvanpkho [transliterated] built the first North Korean rocket in the world, hand-launched and of unpolished slate; it had a length of 18 meters with base. Structurally and based on the food stocks taken onboard, the rocket was supposed to go into near-Earth space, but in light of there not being a powerful engine in the development of technology at the time, it was unable to break away from the Earth. The North Korean Gagarin himself was condemned to death by the Japanese occupation for his audacity. Khon Khanpkho's feat breathed new life into the dream and stirred up the people's masses. Throughout North Korea simple ybeny* and peasants built interplanetary flying machines from hand-made materials in order to overcome the horizons of the unknown. But the lack of professional skills and ignorance of how to calculate the ablative effect led to tragedies, which nevertheless did not kill the traditional indefatigable reach of the North Koreans for the interplanetary roads. But now finally that centuries-old dream has been attained.

The Taepodong-2 launcher, which put the Kwangmyongsong-2 into orbit, is a strong, 45-meter, one-stage structure of types of wood native to North Korea -- Manchurian walnut and Korean and Chosen pine. The structure is covered in decorative weavings of bamboo reeds and decorated with a native mosaic of lobsters. The missile operates on the accumulated energy of the love of the North Koreans for the Great Leader. The satellite itself is made of ceramics in the form of a 7-meter bottle of punchkhon [transliterated], which is traditionally ornamented. A powerful 0.5-meter loudspeaker is installed in its neck, which broadcasts the songs about the Korean leaders to all of the Cosmos visible to the eye. The satellite functions autonomously and is designed for several million years of active operation.

Because of this, the hostile reaction on the part of the United States, Japan, and South Korea to the launch of the large North Korean audio gadget is completely incomprehensible. They accuse the satellite of being military. Of course, one could somehow attach a nuclear bomb to it. But the matter is that a nuclear bomb is heavy, and the satellite would not be able to take off with it. And this is why the Russian Foreign Affairs Ministry has called on the world community in its official statement to view the space odyssey of our friends in the DPRK with understanding and sympathy, especially since the North Korean cargo ship sent out to track the rocket was forced to return because of a breakdown.

*Ybeny -- Korean partisans of the 14th (sic. 16th?) century who fought against Japanese invaders. In the journal Korea Today, these poetic lines were published:

The ybeny hide in the mountains
They inflict losses on the enemy
The enemy will never catch the ybeny
But mother waits for the ybeny at home."

They were well-known in MGU [Moscow State University]. One of the professors of the Nations of Africa and Asia Institute would not give a five in exams on Korean history if the students did not know "The Ybeny's Mother".

This article by Vadim Kruglikov appeared in translation in the Korea Open Source Digest (Volume II, Issue 73, Thursday, April 16th, 2009), and I admit that I had to peruse it twice to make sure that I wasn't reading a serious paean to the glorious achievements of the North Korean state, for Kruglikov's article captures rather well the tone of radical-left screeds scribbled in praise of North Korea's 'achievements' . . . but then takes that praise several steps in directions weird enough to signal to the reader that this article is satire. e.g.:

"The missile operates on the accumulated energy of the love of the North Koreans for the Great Leader."

Doubtless, that explains the rocket's great success in putting the 'satellite' into near-Earth orbit (though possibly so near as to be subaquatic).

My wife checked the transliterated terms but couldn't figure them out. Perhaps they are Russian terms, not Korean, but if any experts read this (e.g., Andrei Lankov) and can identify these obscure words, we'd all be gratefully in somebody's debt.

Nota Bene: I'd credit the translator if I knew the person's name, but it's some linguistically gifted individual in the US Army, I suppose.