Poetry Break: "Every Tub Sitteth"

Old Wash Tub

You Cannot Lose

My Reverend Uncle Cran recently blessed those of us on his e-list with one of his arcane anecdotes about Ozark Wisdom, and what he wrote struck me with such motivational force that it literally inspired me to compose a poem. Here's the arcane anecdote:

My mother-in-law, Ruby Fore, told us that years ago at County Line Baptist Church, the minister asked the members to quote a favorite Bible verse. When it came to one member's turn, he (or was it she?) said the following:

"Every tub sits on its own bottom."

How true that is! This powerful statement says it all.

This person said it was in the Bible somewhere, but didn't know which book. I don't know either, but possibly it was the Book of Parables?

I recognized the verse, of course, but felt compelled to point out to Reverend Uncle Cran that what had been quoted was merely partial, and I produced the entire verse for all of us on the e-list to read carefully and store away like the Virgin Mary in our hearts, though I have since made a few small alterations legitimated by my poetic license:

Every Tub Sitteth

Every tub sitteth on its own bottom, and
every bottom sitteth wheresoever it listeth, but
the wise know better than
to set their bottoms
in the outhouse to the church
without a first glance up,
for lo,
it is used but once a week and
is oft a haven for wasps --
betimes stripéd,
betimes dull red --
and they shall burn thee with liquid fire
lest thou shalt forget again soon
to glance first up
if thou be no fool!

This is from The Book of Improbables 1.424, right after The Book of Hyperboles, which can be found among the so-called Extra-Apocrypha, a collection of books so utterly rejected by the early church that nobody has ever heard of them.

I hope that every reader is now enlightened . . . or at least lightened.