The Religion of Pieces . . .

Haraam Cucumber?

Bikya Masr

Just when you thought that the news couldn't get any weirder, the Egyptian-based news source Bikya Masr reports that "[a]n Islamic cleric residing in Europe said that women should not be close to bananas or cucumbers, in order to avoid any 'sexual thoughts.'"

In the report compiled by Manar Ammar, "Islamic cleric bans women from touching bananas, cucumbers for sexual resemblance" (December 6, 2011), we learn "that if women wish to eat these food items, a third party, preferably a male related to them such as their . . . father or husband, should cut the items into small pieces and serve."

Why? Well, because "these fruits and vegetables 'resemble the male penis'" -- though apparently not the female penis -- "and hence could arouse women or 'make them think of sex.'"

Right. We all know just how easily women can be led into thinking about sex. The thought would never occur to men, of course. That's why the cleric "also added carrots and zucchini to the list of forbidden foods for women."

Better not let this cleric know about certain mushrooms.

Personally, I would add peanuts, not for their appearance, but because the word "peanuts" sounds too much like "penis." For that matter, the word "penis" sounds too much like "penis" and should also be banned. In the interest of pure thoughts, this blog will henceforth refer to it as "that-thang-that-must-not-be-named." Hmmm . . . or maybe not. A long-handled name like this might make a woman think of "that-thang-that-must-not-be-named." Oops . . . this is getting hard. Um . . . I mean "difficult."

But how is one "to 'control' women when they are out shopping for groceries . . . if holding these items at the market would be bad for them"? Apparently, "[T]his matter is between them and God."

At last, a sensible remark from the cleric! If only he hadn't let himself come between women and God in the first place . . . a point that could be applied to Islam generally.