A war of ideas ought'n be too hard...

Squirrelly Spies

A scurrilous report?

(Image from Photo: AP)

Yesterday, my family and I hiked most of the way up the impressive, 739-meter Mt. Dobong, a local mountain on the northeast fringe of Seoul, and we saw no squirrels!

Now, ordinarily, I wouldn't make much of this fact.

Except that later in the day, my eye was caught by this headline in a Ynet News report: "Iranians arrest 14 squirrels for spying" (Dudi Cohen, YnetNews.com, July 13, 2007).

A subheading revealed the evidence: "Islamic Republic's intelligence agents allege rodents were carrying advanced Western spy gear."

It's a no-brainer. Obviously, these squirrels were Western agents. Or what the Islamists call Zionist agents. Or Crusader agents. Or sons-of-monkeys-and-pigs agents. Or Zionist-Crusader sons-of-monkeys-and-pigs agents. Or ... well, it gets a bit complex, even for one as steeped in the Islamist-espionage literature as I.

But maybe we should read the article:

Iranian intelligence operatives recently detained over a dozen squirrels found within the nation's borders, claiming the rodents were serving as spies for Western powers determined to undermine the Islamic Republic.

"In recent weeks, intelligence operatives have arrested 14 squirrels within Iran's borders," state-sponsored news agency IRNA reported. "The squirrels were carrying spy gear of foreign agencies, and were stopped before they could act, thanks to the alertness of our intelligence services."

Iranian police commander Esmaeil Ahmadi-Moqadam confirmed the report, saying that a number of squirrels had been caught bearing foreign spy gear within Iran's borders.

"I heard of this but I have no specific knowledge on the subject," he said. He refused to give further details.

Recently, Iran has increased its efforts in combating espionage by the West. The use of rodents has not been documented in the past.

Rodents, perhaps not. But giant badger terrorists are already being used by Western forces in the area around Basra to undermine Iranian influence in this mainly Shi'ite Iraqi port city near the Iranian border. According to correspondents in Basra, "Giant badgers terrorise Iraqi port city" (The Sunday Telegraph, July 11, 2007):

The Iraqi port city of Basra, already prey to a nasty turf war between rival militia factions, has now been gripped by a scary rumour -- giant badgers are stalking the streets by night, eating humans.

The animals were allegedly released into the area by British forces....

"I believe this animal appeared following a raid to the region by the British forces," said Ali Mohsen, a farmer in his 40s from Karmat Ali, near the air base used by the multinational force. "As we are close to the airport, they probably released this animal into the area."

Another no-brainer. Obviously, these badgers are Western terrorists. Or what the Islamists call Zionist terrorists. Or Crusader terrorists. Or sons-of-monkeys-and-pigs terrorists. Or Zionist-Crusader sons-of-monkeys-and-pigs terrorists. Or ... well, it again gets a bit complex, but you again follow my drift.

My analysis? The squirrels bearing spy gear were indeed 'Zionist-Crusader' agents, but they were not Western ethnically. The squirrels missing from Mt. Dobong were on an espionage mission conducted by American and Korean spy agencies working together with the Mossad. Korea, a leader in hi-tech industries, supplied ethnically Korean squirrels -- who are the smartest, most dexterous squirrels in the world -- for the top-secret mission. These squirrels were flown from the Korea peninsula to Korea's Zaytun Division, stationed in the Arbil Governorate of the Kurdish Autonomous Region. From there, the Korean squirrels made their way into northwestern Iran. The strategy was to trap the Iranian Islamists in a pincher movement between a squirrel-fomented uprising of Kurdish Iranians in northwestern Iran and a badger-fomented uprising of Arabic Iranians in southwestern Iran as the badgers move from Basra into Iran.

Unfortunately, this has been thwarted. Personally, I blame President Roh for bringing too many of the radical 386 generation into central positions of government. I strongly suspect that some leftist in the Korean government alerted the North Koreans to this espionage mission. The Norks then passed the information along to the Iranians in return for help with the North's nuclear weapons program.

If I might speak in coded terms for a moment, I think that it's high time that we started 'badgering' the traitors...