Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Letter from Theresa...

A missive from America?
(Image from Wikipedia)

At times, I fear that I labor in distant obscurity here in what used to be called the Far East, but occasionally, I receive an email letting me know that I am noticed:
Dear Prof. Horace Jeffery Hodges:
Now, that's the way to address me. Some fine individual has noted my high status and taken the trouble to write me on some important issue:
My priest L.A. Archdiocese in the church asked me to sleep with him to give me some money out of the church account. I agreed that I will do but unknown to him that I can never do such a thing because my body is the temple of Christ and can never do such a nasty thing because of money.
Agreed. Money is never the reason to do a "nasty thing." Wait until he offers you some power. Of course, if he has little power as merely a lowly priest, you might have to settle for money. How much is he offering:
I have know option than to collect the money US$500,000 from him, and he gave me a date 30th of April, 2008 to sleep with me in one of the hotel outside my base.
Hmmm . . . 500,000 US dollars. How much is that in real money these days? I'm afraid that it can't be very much for a lady of your obvious virtue. Couldn't you ask for 500,000 Euros? That's buys a lot more stuff and seems like a more stable currency in our troubled times.

Any priest clever enough to arrange a meeting outside your base is clever enough to understand these financial affairs. Don't let him abuse your innocence . . . but I see that you won't:
Due to short time scheduled to sleep with him and pressure mounted on me, I have to bravely and hurriedly move the funds to a safe institution as a cargo to avoid any trace. Pls help me to secure this funds in your able and sincere care until i will come and meet with you to start a new life.
Well, you certainly shouldn't have to endure pressure or anything else mounted on you -- and definitely "No capon priest" pounding away! I admire your courage in bravely moving those funds to my "able and sincere care." And hurriedly:
Help urgently before the priest understands my wise plan.
A wise plan like yours will never be detected in advance. Nevertheless, you should act quickly to send me that money! But don't feel that you must move to the Far East with me "to start a new life." I don't think that my wife would approve. I will simply hold the funds for you until you find a place where that base priest's 'tentacles' (as my son might phrase it) can never reach your body. You are also wise not to specify too precisely your exact location:
You can also reach me here: Theresa F. Rodrigues. U.S.A. (prudence . . . AT yahoo.de)
Ah, sainted Theresa. How good of you to turn to me. And how clever of you to email from Germany despite being on your base in L.A. of the U.S.A. And how prudent of you to choose the email name "prudence."

Yes, dear Prudence, I will play . . . but I do admit to a few rising doubts. For instance, I wonder why a Catholic priest in Los Angeles would offer 500,000 dollars -- even if merely U.S. money -- for sexual favors from the psychiatric social worker appointed by Bishop Howard J. Hubbard to the Albany Diocese in New York State "as victims/survivors coordinator to assist in efforts to counter the impact of sexual abuse by priests." That seems a bit of a thickheaded thing for your priest to do. Couldn't you simply report him to Bishop Hubbard? I find this part somewhat odd...

These doubts welling up in my heart would be instantly quelled, of course, if I were to receive that 500,000 in 'cargo' from the skies.



At 8:54 AM, Blogger jeanie oliver said...

Dear Mighty Professor Horace Jeffery Hodges,
you surprise me--I love it when you slip the ties of scholarship and slide into sly humor

At 9:01 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

I'd do it more often, Jeanie, but humor faces a tougher audience than scholarship.

Jeffery Hodges

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At 12:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Since it appears you may have a great degree of need for a truly secure place to store such an amount, just take it to the nearest branch of Navy Federal Credit Union and place it in my account. Savings or checking.

There were three branch offices in Korea the last time I checked. One is bound to be conveniently located.


At 1:00 PM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

Excellent idea, JK. Please relay to me your ID and secret code to keep the credit union from growing suspicious, and I promise unforgettable monetary transactions.

Jeffery Hodges

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At 8:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't have a secret account, but any amount you fear to keep.........just sent to me in small, unmarked bills, and I will do something with it.

At 9:12 PM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

Uncle Cran, I solemnly promise that any funds sent from the sainted Theresa to me will be immediately re-routed to your farm address.

Meanwhile, just as 'collateral', please send that 600 dollars that George Bush gave you today.

Jeffery Hodges

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At 10:31 PM, Blogger Jennifer Lynn Jordan said...

I wish I got emails this amusing.

At 4:40 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

Jennifer, my blog is so cavernous that it attracts the battier email scams.

What triggered my interest in even opening this one was that the scam artist had gone to the trouble of addressing me personally in the "Subject" slot: "Email to Prof. Horace Jeffery Hodges."

Not many folks get my name right, but this scammer did.

Somewhere online, for I've seen it, there's a blog devoted to scamming such scammers. Really amusing reports of drawing scammers into long, drawn-out exchanges of emails requiring the scammers to do various improbable things to prove the worthiness of their requests.

Jeffery Hodges

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At 8:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No problem, nephew.........everything you send me and all collateral will be deposited with (shall we say) "Helen Hunt." When you need such, just go there for it.

At 8:32 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

Thanks, Uncle Cran, I'll go get that collateral right now. Gotta help the US economy...

Jeffery Hodges

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At 6:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm part of the US economy. Help me. I take Paypal.

At 7:14 PM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

Well, Michael, I believe that President Dubya has already sent you 600 dollars to rev up the economy, but I have a suggestion.

Send that 600 to me, for the US needs to export more goods, and I promise to use the entire 600 bucks to buy only American goods here in Korea.

Perhaps some US Prime Rib, now that the Korean Government is again allowing US beef to be imported...

Jeffery Hodges

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